I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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