Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
