I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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