Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
