My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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