right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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