i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
