The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
