I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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