I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
