Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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