just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
