Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
