M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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