i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
