Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
