So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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