The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
