I love black thongs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
