He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
