the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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