I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Randomize
