he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
