Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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