I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
