I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize