Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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