Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
