I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
