I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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