I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
