why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
