i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
