omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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