I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
