Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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