he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
