Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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