I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
