So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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