We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
