sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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