really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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