as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
