4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
