That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
