Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
