mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The adults are the big ones right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
