i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
