i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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