Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
