I just saw a hot homeless man
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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