Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
