my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The best revenge is premature balding
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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