can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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