During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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