you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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