I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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