i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
