I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
