i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize