New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
my liver is dry heaving
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
