i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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