look no pants
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
