I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
