I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
