next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
