Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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