who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
