my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
