6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
