new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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