She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
