i need an iv and a liver transplant
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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