I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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